A Twisted Story Inspired by Damh the Bard By Vernon Catt

It’s been a bit quiet on the blog for the past couple of weeks whilst I was away in Austria. First going to the world famous heritage site of Hallstatt (a more detailed blog about that trip will follow soon), then my annual gig in Vienna with another brilliant audience, then finally on to the Austrian Broomstick Rally.

On the Friday night of the Broomstick Rally they hold a Bardic Circle and this year a story was told that contained a few details that some of you may well recognise… When the story was finished I asked if I could get the transcript to publish on my blog and it came through this morning.

So, without any further delay, here is A Twisted Story Inspired by Damh the Bard by Vernon Catt.


A Twisted Story Inspired by Damh the Bard
By Vernon Catt

Once upon a time there were two girls who lived in different parts of London. They were both born in the eighties. One was a very gentle girl who did most everything gently and her name was Jonnee…not spelled the normal way but the 80’s way J O NN EE. The other girl was as wild as wild can be and her name was of course Heather.

One day Heather woke up long before the Day-O to welcome in the summer to welcome in the May-O for winter had gone away. It was a quiet morning as quiet as a womb, a tomb and as still as a standing stone. So, anyway she is up making a tea and then went over to take a look at her TV screen with its window bright and clean. But it wasn’t bright and clean it was as black as a cauldron born witch chanting words, a charm, a spell of power, a witches rune. So heather decided to call the Neon Technicians repair shop but of course it was closed so she got so angry that she picked up a stone of fools gold and threw it right through the not so bright clean TV screen..

Just then 3 young Gypsies came to the door and one knocked high and the other knocked low the third knocked in just the right place and Heather answered the door. The Gypsies came in brave and boldly-o and were singing some stupid Raggle Taggle Gypsy song and they told Heather to put on her sexy suit of leather and latex and to get out and have a wild time in the mountains with her gentle friend Jonnee. Then they left.

So Heather picked up her phone and called her friend.

Jonnee heard the phone ringing and thought ohh my Cerridwen who in the fey could be calling at this time of the morning. She grabbed her phone and noticed that it was Heather calling and thought oh my what on earth does that bloomin wild Heather want. So she answered the phone and said “yes Heather what is it?” Heather said; “lets get out of this city so cold and walk among the land, sea and sky.” Jonnee said: “great idea but only if my new dog can go too.” Heather said: Sure! Did you get that collie you always wanted?

Jonnee replied: Yes I did.

Then Heather asked: What is his name ?????

Lassie of course and yes lassie will go too.

So out they went and on the way they saw a sign for a fair-O and decided to go-O. When they got to the fair they met a couple of good looking – men one was named Little John who was little in every way and the other was Robin of the Hoodie Clan who is also known as Long Flute Robin.

So Robin starts flirting with Jonnee because she was young with a face as a rose and skin as pale as the lily that grows…Robins skin was also pale because they were both into that whole Goth scene. So Robin says: “Jonnee are you nervous because why do you ramble on so?”

The answer she gave him, her answer was no. She said it’s just cuz it’s the first of May-O and I’m so horney-O. So they both went into the woods and Robin laid her down with her face to the sky. He pulled out his…..ramrod and his bullets too and told Jonnee to wrap her legs around him and dig in with her heels and ride him like Rhiannon rides her horse, with a nice tail of course. Then he whispered: “For the closer we get my love the better it feels mmmmmm…mmmmmm…mmmmm….Ohhh yesssss… how that maid can milk a bull and every stroke a bucketful and he called to the powers of earth, sea and sky, then he called to his ancestors of blood and bone…

both spent they smoked a fag….

then they went back to the fair taking their time cuz they could not walk any faster and with every step they took they knew that their time was drawing closer and all had been said and all was done.

Meanwhile, Heather decided that she didn’t like Little John that much. She stopped him mid-sentence and said “what is that noise?”….it was the sound of pipes on a beautiful spring day…Little John said he couldn’t hear anything, cuz he couldn’t hear the pipes of Pan, but Heather said that she was going to follow the sounds. John said okay but be careful cuz did you know that Jack lives in the green and things are not always as they seem??

Heather said “yeah Like Whatever” and left.

As she walked she came upon a wooden glade when this crazed man in black, a man of God, a priest comes running out screaming “the minions are all over the place, the minions are all over the place”…and ran away.

Heather went deeper in the woods and there was the piper…”Who are you”, she asked.

He answered I am the Horned God, I am the face in the trees, I am the breath of the wind and the rustle of the leaves. I am the Green Man, I am Cernunnos and I am Pan.

He said you look like a rose, the flower that I love. Come and dance with me and in your heart (and other regions) you shall be free. Because if you don’t come I will surely find another to have a wild time with in the mountains….

She approached and danced and played but before she began to have a real wild time she told Lassie to go….back to Jonnee. Then she listened some more to the pipes of Pan as he laid her down and penetrated her fruitful land.

And now she can never return to the way things once had been for she had been to the land of Pan. And she met up with Lassie and Jonnee and she said: “Take my hand and follow me to the home of the Fey, where the air is warm, as we sing our song”…..


4 responses to “A Twisted Story Inspired by Damh the Bard By Vernon Catt”

  1. Wonderful, loved every paragraph! How beautiful, love the way your song lyrics were added as the story continued, bravo, i adored the story & will read it again & again. Made me laugh & smile! 🙂
    That was really creative.
    Blessed be Damh the bard & all who adore you!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.